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"Laugh it up!" (Jokes)
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South Carolina.
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"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."
"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."
"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."
"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."
"Wow! Is that true?"
"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."
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My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office to get our marriage license. After recording the vital information—names, dates of birth, etc.—the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned, "No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
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While hiking in the country, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sauteed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.
Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us.
"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home two weeks ago? What changed your mind?"
"I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home."
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After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.
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As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
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When I was a 20-something college student, I became
quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had
returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that
he had once thought more than friendship
might be a possibility between us.
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference
between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and
said, 'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"
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Where In The World Is Jack Kean?