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Adventures In Bucksnort
By Jack Kean
There I was, motoring down I-40
at the maximum legal speed limit
and grooving to an Eagles CD, when
it happened. Now understand that
we own a relatively new car built
in one of those countries that lost
WWII. (No, unfortunately I wasn’t
driving the RV on this day.) It
really is a great little vehicle,
but sometimes almost too efficient.
A light popped on right in the
middle of where all those warning
light things are put inside the
speedometer. I guess they have them
there so you will be certain to
see them when they decide to light
up. I was pretty sure it hadn’t
been on before and that it wasn’t
one of those lights that stay on
all the time, like the number of
miles you’ve gone or the outside
temperature.
It was a yellow light, and I
thought for a moment that could
be a good thing. Surely if it was
an emergency, the light would be
red. Even in the country where the
car was built, red would be the
color of something serious. I had
no clue what it meant since it was
some kind of international symbol.
I’m hardly fluent in English and
pretty illiterate when it comes
to international symbols.
I looked over at my wife who
was sleeping soundly. Waking her
up and trying to explain why I needed
her to get the owner’s manual out
of the glove box would be much more
trouble than it was worth; so I
motored down the road looking for
an exit and hoping the car wouldn’t
decide to quit. There’s never an
exit when you need one, and it was
a dozen miles of worried driving
before I found the Bucksnort, Tennessee,
exit. (Check your map. Hey,
it’s better than Toad Suck Park
that you can also find along I-40,
though in Arkansas. Honestly, telling
people I live in Bucksnort would
be hard even for a southern boy
like me.)
At Bucksnort, I got the owner’s
manual and looked up the symbol
matching my dashboard light. It
said: “This warning light comes
on when the ignition is switched
on and goes out again after about
2 seconds. Since the ASR operates
together with Anti-lock Brake System
(ABS), the ASR warning light will
also come on if a fault should occur
in the ABS. See chapter: Brake System.”
What the heck does that mean?
If they are going to go to the
trouble of putting a warning light
on the dash, it darn well ought
to mean something important, or
it shouldn’t be called a warning
light at all. They should tell you
exactly what is wrong and what to
do about it. Something like: “When
the fleegle light goes on, get all
passengers away from the vehicle.
Open the hood and stare at the engine
as if you actually have some idea
what to look for. Call AAA. Call
the fire department. Call your insurance
agent because your car is toast.”
See, that would have some meaning.
I would know what to do, and I would
know that if the light comes on,
there really is something to worry
about.
Oh yeah, when I started the car
again, the light went out. We didn’t
linger in Bucksnort.
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