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By Jack Kean
 You cashed in the IRAs, mortgaged the expected inheritance from your weird
Uncle Ludie and bought the biggest, baddest RV on the market. When you get
through with the slide outs, there's more room than your first apartment. You've
got a satellite dish that automatically keeps the reception clear as a bell for
the flat screen TV, a Jacuzzi tub, an ice dispenser on your refrigerator, and
that's just the beginning.
So what does your neighbor say when you return
from that first extended travel experience? "How was your camping trip?"
Excuse me, camping? Camping is a sleeping blanket on ground that a herd of
elephants could cross without leaving a single footprint. Camping isoops, I got
a little ahead of myself. That's the column for next month, but no worries, the
beginning is similar.
I see you way up there in your humongous RV looking
down at my tiny unit that is about the size of your tow vehicle. Can we really
do everything in our glorified van, you wonder? Yes, we can do everything, but
it requires a little planning. Despite rumors to the contrary, we can actually
shower in our Rialta.
Now the quick witted among you might respond that you
can clean your ears with a small caliber pistol too, but why? The answer to this
question is amazingly complex (no not the pistol question). There is a wide
range of reasons to shower in your Rialta, and of course, we'll list but a few.
You might be dirty, and there is no handy shower available. You might not want
to traipse up to the campground shower is another logical reason.
Then there
are the deeper reasons to shower in your Rialta. Showering in your Rialta gives
you a sense of accomplishment, not like scaling Mount Everest, but nevertheless
a positive feeling of success. It also demonstrates your ability to utilize
every feature advertised about the Rialta. We all like to get our money's worth.
Now I'm well aware that some among you have avoided the Rialta's shower with
the same dogged determination that has kept you away from mud wrestling and
mountain climbing, but we are here to conquer your fears. With just a hint of
sarcasm and an effort at wit, we will provide you with a guide to the
intricacies of Rialta showering.
To fully appreciate a Rialta shower, you
must first make certain that you have water and that it is hot. The first part
of this equation is complete if you are hooked up to city water, or you have
filled your tanks. If you are boondocking, it is necessary to start the
generator and then turn on the hot water heater. I normally do this first thing
in the morning and then return to bed for a few minutes of additional rest. If
you are connected to electricity, just flip on the hot water heater.
Once
the water is hot (check it in the kitchen sink), you are ready to proceed.
Usually, I turn off the hot water heater at this point and stop the generator.
Take the removable carpeted floor section from in front of the shower and place
it out of the way, preferably where neither you nor your traveling companion
will trip on it. Now pull the shower walls out. Yes, I said pull the shower
walls out, and I expect no snickering from any of you 6.7-miles-per-gallon RV
owners.
If you aren't attached to city water, then turn on the water pump. A
towel and fresh undies should be placed on the chair immediately outside of the
shower. Assuming you are undressed, enter the shower. If not, please take
appropriate action at this point. If it is not too cold outside, open the vent
and put the fan on low.
Let down the shelf and sink and adjust the water
temperature. This works a lot better if the water is turned off at the shower
head. Once the temperature is adjusted, return the sink and shelf to their
upright and locked positions.
Close the shower curtain carefully, making
certain it is closed all the way to the bottom. The more careful among you might
remove the expensive toilet paper just in case. Remove your liquid soap from
behind the mirrors and place it atop the potty. Turn on the drain
pump.
Pointing the shower head away from you, turn on the water. As soon as
it reaches an acceptable temperature, wet your entire body. During this portion
of the Rialta shower, I must leave some of the details entirely up to your own
preferences. I've found that you can wash a good bit, though not all, of your
dirt off while sitting on top of the potty.
After a good wetting down, use
your liquid soap as you prefer. Then, turn the shower back on for a good, long
rinse. About here you will be feeling proud of your efforts and almost ready to
tell your traveling companion how great you feel, but we still have a little way
to go.
Return your soap. Let down the shelf and sink. Turn off the water.
Return shelf and sink to their upright positions if you are not intending to use
the sink further. Open the shower door, grab your towel, and well, I'm guessing
you know this part. Once you are mostly dry, step outside and put on those clean
undies. At some point during your drying process, you might determine that the
need for the drain pump is concluded and turn it off.
Take your slightly damp
towel and dry as much of the inside of the shower as you can, including the
shower curtains. Push the bathroom walls back and finish drying the floor of the
shower before replacing the cover.
If, as I sometimes do, you have taken a
rather long shower, you will likely want to dump the black water tank.
Please understand that this is just the basic course. A seven lesson
syllabus that will cover such potential problems as too much moisture in the
Rialta after showers, preventing drain clogs for those shedding hair, and other
common Rialta shower errors is currently being prepared. I know all of you will
gladly pay the rather steep tuition for such detailed information on life in a
Rialta.
Until then, throw caution to the wind and take a Rialta shower. Sure
it's easier in the big ones, but what's the challenge?
Don't forget, next
month we discuss camping.
Jack Kean is a columnist and the author of
Being From The South Doesn't Make Me Stupid, Deadly Sacrifice and now his new
book, What If The Winner Dies. You can read an excerpt from his new book and
several of his humorous articles on his website, www.jackkean.com.
Copyright
Jack Kean 2004.
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